I just want to start by saying that this post could be a TRIGGER to some people. I talk about mental health issues that I’ve had/have.
I’ve had severe problems with my mental health since I was a freshman in high school. For me, high school was the absolute worst. I hated myself. I didn’t want to live. I’m honestly surprised (but also very glad) that I survived. I’m not going to get into major details, but freshman and sophomore year was rough. I went to the school counselor often although I don’t feel as though it always helped. I’ve always had a hard time telling people how I felt and why – especially back then. I would end up telling the counselor that I had some boy drama. Boys certainly did not help the way I felt about myself, but they were not the main reason I felt that way.
My junior and senior year of high school was definitely better, but it was not great. I still struggled a lot, but the friends I had made it more bearable. To those I was close to during those two years, I just want to say thank you. You helped me through so much, and you probably didn’t even know it. I appreciate you. I love you.
Even throughout college, I’ve struggled with loving/accepting/appreciating/caring about myself. I’ve never been diagnosed, but I am pretty sure I’ve been living with depression and anxiety all these years. Some days are definitely better than others.
A message I sent to a friend of my mine today has been stuck in my mind since I’ve been writing this post. It’s a great thing to remember:
“It’s just life. We live. We mess up. We learn. We try again.”
Yesterday started out as “meh.” I don’t know how else to describe it. When I’m in that kind of mood I’m just… there. I only do things because I’ve learned to force myself to. I’ve never felt better by just laying in bed all day. And boy do I feel tired of feeling like that.
However, I did sleep in yesterday. Even though I woke up feeling “meh,” I still went to my grandpa’s house. I ate food, and then played video games with my cousin for hours – which did not help my mental state. I felt even more “meh.”
But it got better.
I became more productive. I went home. I took a shower. (Showers usually help a great deal.) I made several tik toks (@ kelliyoung42). I wrote in my journal. I even watched a really good movie called The Backup Plan.
Today was even better. I woke up early to go eat breakfast with my grandpa and my cousin. My pa makes THE BEST chocolate gravy. I went home a couple hours later. I actually started my laundry (and finished it). I went to help my dog get unstuck from which his chain latched onto a tree root. Don’t worry, a couple hours later that tree root was cut out so he can’t get caught anymore. I even ended up cleaning my room up quite a bit. This was all before it was even 1:30 p.m. It was then that I went to work until 10.
I’m very proud of my productive day. Being productive makes me feel accomplished, and like I’m doing something right. I’m hoping I will have this motivation for a little bit longer. Wish me luck.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I am pretty sure that I will always have mental health issues. I know I should be diagnosed, but I’m scared. I’ve been told multiple times in my life that it was just a phase, and that I would snap out of it. I’m not snapping out of it. I’ve learned how to deal with it better, but you can’t just snap your fingers or turn a certain age for it to go away.
But I am proud of how far I am come. How much I have grown as a person.
I am way better than I was, but I also know I’m not as good as I am going to be. That thought makes me happy. This period of my life is not going to be the best time of my life.
Better times are coming. You just have to keep living to get there.